“…He’s very good at being discreet in his actions. Never the whole truth and never a straightforward response to much. He thinks I’m oblivious…I play along..”
This is where I began. I carefully reread and reread each journal entry trying to figure it out. I didn’t understand. What had gone wrong? Why was it not working? Where was my head? It was over. Evaluation.. Overthinking.. Anxiety.. Depression. It was a downward spiral to nowhere. To brokenness. The latest saga in the life of a believer gone too far ahead. I cried. Tears became rivers of daunting reminders of a still small voice I ignored. Had I just listened..had I just known..had I just been more careful it would have turned out completely different. Condemnation set in. I began to blame myself for the loss I just suffered. Sure enough, fault can be shifted. Howbeit justifiable, mirror images never lie to the beholder.
Of course I could blame him for not being honest. I could call to his attention every detail of every lie I uncovered, but why? The wounds that would be created from that would only dig a deeper hole to crawl out from. So..I cried. I cried and cried until my heart felt as if it would explode. Emotions were everywhere. Condemnation along with justification was spewing from all angles. Back and forth…back and forth I went.. Until.. I heard Him.
It was resoundingly clear. He said to me, “Return, my Beloved. Only be strong and courageous” I fought with myself to be courageous, but once I came to a resolve Peace flooded my mind and I began to heal. From brokenness…to whole. Trust the process.
…To be continued